I believe the Mayor's office has been spending more time than necessary digging through dictionaries.
I believe that there was, at one time, a Merriam-Webster Task Force assigned day and night (on forced overtime) to suss out and nail down that one word that defined the administration.
And I believe that Julian Assange hijacked the @dcfireems Twitter account… and has just leaked everything to me. Today, I share it with you.
I am actually so terrified to share this information that I will be fleeing the country for ten days soon after this post. I assure you that it has nothing to do with my upcoming wedding; I maintain that this is a quest for asylum.
Perhaps I should change my plans from a European beach town to a non-extradition country.
If I do not return, please know that I have befallen the same fate as our Department's official Twitter account. Dearest @dcfireems: your dedicated citizens miss you.
EXT. DC GOVERNMENT BUILDING – LATE AT NIGHT, - ESTABLISHING.
Few cars amble by, as window lights show only a few dedicated employees still at work.
INT. CUBICLE FARM.
Underneath humming, poorly-maintained fluorescent lights, coffee cups litter the desk of frazzled aide CANTER VYING.* A harsh incandescent slung over the desk illuminates his only task, a dictionary of massive proportions.
CANTER
(suddenly; he springs up)
Holy… holy shit. Here it is.
CANTER stands. Finding nobody in the office, realization sets in how late it is.
INT. HALLWAY – DOUBLE DOORS SMASH OPEN
CANTER is sprinting down the hallway, clutching a sheaf of paper.
CANTER (V.O.)
This was it. I knew I had found it, and
the boss was gonna be so happy.
INT. LOBBY
CANTER sits at a public-use computer.
CANTER
(grumbling to himself)
Can’t even give us our own computers…
like it’s my fault that TeleStaff was
actually a spyware installer.
He sits.
CANTER (CONT’D)
It does make some sense, though.
ANGLE: COMPUTER SCREEN – FRANTIC TYPING
COMPUTER SCREEN, TYPED:
We can say that we are 100% “transparent.”
Despite what most people think it means,
I’ve found a strict definition that we can use.
It’s even supported by the online community
of unquestionable intelligence, “Wikipedia.”
Transparency /transˈpe(ə)rənsē/(n.)
performing in such a way that it is
easier for others to see what is wrong.
CANTER grins evilly, wrapping up his cunning argument with fingers flying over the keys.
TYPED (CONT’D)
You see, boss? They can see what’s wrong,
plain as day! But this word makes us sound really
good, because that’s totally different than having
the people know what we’re actually doing.
CANTER chuckles to himself.
TYPED (CONT’D)
Our current failings and our day-to-day
operations are two different things, but
Joe Public is probably too dumb to know
the difference!
With a satisfied CLICK, CANTER sits back in his chair.
CANTER
(he sighs)
Damn, that feels good. Nothin’ like a
little spinjob to make you feel like a ma—
The computer emits a PLINK, surprising CANTER and echoing through the empty lobby. The screen lights up his eyes as he reads:
COMPUTER SCREEN, DISPLAYED
Excellent word choice; you’ve done
a fantastic job, [insert employee’s
name here]. Now we just have to figure
out how to make us 100% transparent,
immediately.
CANTER doesn’t even hesitate. Diving back to the screen:
COMPUTER SCREEN, TYPED
The solution is simple… and is as old as
time itself. Eliminate access to those
who like to write; filter access to those
who like to read; and eradicate those who
like to photograph. We ain't giving parties.
A man named George Orwell wrote an
instruction manual for everyone a few
decades ago. Before we ban it, you
should read it.
A triumphant CLICK as the email sends and disappears from view.
ANGLE: CANTER’S face, lit by only the corporate-blue glow of the monitor. He licks his lips, as if to taste the blood of a journalist glistening upon them.
His eyes flare greedily; SMASH CUT to BLACK.
-END-
* It's an anagram. Figure it out.
